Environmental sustainability, health improvements, less immigrants and more money. These are four things I have finally admitted our country desperately needs and I have developed a strategy to make them a reality.
Just as the Laffer Curve revolutionised Right wing political thinking in the United States, this new policy will do so for Left wing British politics.
We will scrap Income Tax and replace it with a new Faeces Tax, charging people for dumping in toilet bowls. This has a three-fold benefit.
Firstly, unlike the nasty Tories, we have fairness at the heart of all we do. Every citizen needs to use the loo so every citizen will pay their way. Of course, I can hear objections from the feeble Liberals asking: what about sufferers of chronic constipation? Well, we haven’t quite thought about that yet.
However, secondly, this tax will tackle the problem of obesity. Fat bastards (who tend to live in council estates) will think twice about how much they eat. If you know you will be charged more for what you shit out than what you take in, you will start dieting straight away. This will also make us look more Centre Right, away from the working class cunts we are so ashamed of being associated with.
It will also mean fewer cows get slaughtered. From what I remember of my days as Energy and Climate Change Secretary, that will be good for the environment.
We have apologised and apologised and apologised. Still you fuckers don’t get it. Dumb cunts; we are sorry. However, Labour should never be forgiven for bringing in a wave of immigrants. At least the Polish make good plumbers, but we feel terrible for the influx of sub-continental parasites. Under the new Faeces Tax, these jammy dodgers will finally begin to contribute to society. Their curry filled bellies lead to lots of toilet flushing and will have government coffers filled up in no time. When they discover this is a tax with no loopholes, they will go back home and stop encouraging their cousins to come over.
Much like all Labour policies, we are not sure how it will actually be implemented. I will be featuring on Blue Peter this week so might ask the kids to call in with suggestions.
This proposed policy will finally earn my brains the respect they deserve and stop people getting away with accusing me of being a mild Downs Syndrome sufferer.
