Oct 03 2011
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Centre, Coalition government, David I'macon, Health, Right Wing, Taxation, Tories

David I’macon: Just read the bloody article!

In the build up to my conference speech I want to make some things very clear to the British public.

We have three flagship policies to implement over the coming twelve months and no driver licence point swapping pratt or five language speaking Liberal Democrat (who can’t grasp the English meaning of subordinate) will stop us.

If you sissies are panicking about the future or our country:, here is what we have coming.

You thought the NHS reforms had your knickers in a twist? Well, Andrew Lansley, in cooperation with Theresa May, has a new trick up his sleeve: HIV Bonanza.

Basically, we cannot afford to fund an ageing population, but do not want to gas you to death either, given the increase in commodities prices. To raise government revenue, reduce population levels and give you the illusion of a good time, we have decided to legalise brothels and illegalise medicines for HIV. In a forthcoming White Paper , Aids to the aid of growing, ageing populations, Andrew and Theresa will explain all, because I cannot be bothered right now.

Now, the shocking story of a family attempting to murder their grandfather for inheritance money by beating him to death with bricks was sickening. This proves what I have been saying all along: we need to raise education standards to improve communication skills: they could have just asked! Michael Loathe will get to work on dashing together a few ideas.

Finally, I will re-hire Andy Coulson (unless you can think of anyone better). We spent years trying to rid ourselves of the image of the nasty party. Now we are right back in the stinking shit with Theresa May calling for the scrapping of human rights!

Basically, we need a lying, immoral bastard to help us sell a false image of niceness to the public. There cannot be anyone more qualified than Couslon for that, surely? (Well, maybe James Murdoch when he is inevitably fired)?

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Oct 03 2011
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Centre, Climate Change, Ed Milibland, Health, Immigration, Labour, Left Wing, New policy, Taxation

Ed Milibland: Making shit pay for once (actually twice, if you count the levy on banks)!

Environmental sustainability, health improvements, less immigrants and more money. These are four things I have finally admitted our country desperately needs and I have developed a strategy to make them a reality.

Just as the Laffer Curve revolutionised Right wing political thinking in the United States, this new policy will do so for Left wing British politics.

We will scrap Income Tax and replace it with a new Faeces Tax, charging people for dumping in toilet bowls. This has a three-fold benefit.

Firstly, unlike the nasty Tories, we have fairness at the heart of all we do. Every citizen needs to use the loo so every citizen will pay their way. Of course, I can hear objections from the feeble Liberals asking: what about sufferers of chronic constipation? Well, we haven’t quite thought about that yet.

However, secondly, this tax will tackle the problem of obesity. Fat bastards (who tend to live in council estates) will think twice about how much they eat. If you know you will be charged more for what you shit out than what you take in, you will start dieting straight away. This will also make us look more Centre Right, away from the working class cunts we are so ashamed of being associated with.

It will also mean fewer cows get slaughtered. From what I remember of my days as Energy and Climate Change Secretary, that will be good for the environment.

We have apologised and apologised and apologised. Still you fuckers don’t get it. Dumb cunts; we are sorry. However, Labour should never be forgiven for bringing in a wave of immigrants. At least the Polish make good plumbers, but we feel terrible for the influx of sub-continental parasites. Under the new Faeces Tax, these jammy dodgers will finally begin to contribute to society. Their curry filled bellies lead to lots of toilet flushing and will have government coffers filled up in no time. When they discover this is a tax with no loopholes, they will go back home and stop encouraging their cousins to come over.

Much like all Labour policies, we are not sure how it will actually be implemented. I will be featuring on Blue Peter this week so might ask the kids to call in with suggestions.

This proposed policy will finally earn my brains the respect they deserve and stop people getting away with accusing me of being a mild Downs Syndrome sufferer.

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Oct 02 2011
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Coalition government, Liberal Democrats, New policy, Nick Pleb, Sexism

Nick Pleb: Our brave new policy to tackle sexism

Hypocrisy is a horrible thing. It is anathema to the very concept of liberalism. However, after much soul searching post the Liberal Democrat party conference, I have to admit I am guilty of such a repugnant thing.

It is well known that my wife is a Catholic and our wonderful children are raised as such, despite my atheism. I endeavour to respect the beliefs of my family at all times, but lately things have been difficult for me.

With the stress of accusations from party loyalists, the peer pressure from Coalition partners and having to boil my own eggs at breakfast, I’ve been seeking escapism. For the past week I’ve been secretly watching Monty Python’s Life Of Brian in my downtime, laughing hysterically at the crucifixion scene. The temporary relief of joy is abruptly cut short by debilitating pangs of guilt; what would my lovely wife think if she caught me? It got so bad I found myself asking Chris Huhne for advice.

Having now ceased to violate the trust of my household, I believe it is time I do the same for the British public. That is why I am proposing brave new legislation bringing the country closer to sexual equality.

Whilst the senior Coalition partners propose potential quotas on raising the number of woman in boardrooms, I believe there are finer details in the sexism debate being overlooked; names.

As of today, I am taking unprecedented action and calling for the illegalisation of the surname Burncock! This wretched name not only conjures up vile images in the purest minds, it also undermines respect for men. In an age where we aspire to sexual equality, this name must go. After all, would it be right to have people called Mr or Mrs Stabpussy? I rest my case.

Passing this legislation will not be easy. Not with stupid bitches like Theresa May around, who looks as if she has burned a few cocks in her time. We will need your unconditional support and I urge you to take to the streets with “Burn Burncock Burn” banners.

At a time when all Ed Milibland and Ed Balls can talk about is the importance of economic growth, you can count on the Liberal Democrats to deal with what really matters.