In the build up to my conference speech I want to make some things very clear to the British public.
We have three flagship policies to implement over the coming twelve months and no driver licence point swapping pratt or five language speaking Liberal Democrat (who can’t grasp the English meaning of subordinate) will stop us.
If you sissies are panicking about the future or our country:, here is what we have coming.
You thought the NHS reforms had your knickers in a twist? Well, Andrew Lansley, in cooperation with Theresa May, has a new trick up his sleeve: HIV Bonanza.
Basically, we cannot afford to fund an ageing population, but do not want to gas you to death either, given the increase in commodities prices. To raise government revenue, reduce population levels and give you the illusion of a good time, we have decided to legalise brothels and illegalise medicines for HIV. In a forthcoming White Paper , Aids to the aid of growing, ageing populations, Andrew and Theresa will explain all, because I cannot be bothered right now.
Now, the shocking story of a family attempting to murder their grandfather for inheritance money by beating him to death with bricks was sickening. This proves what I have been saying all along: we need to raise education standards to improve communication skills: they could have just asked! Michael Loathe will get to work on dashing together a few ideas.
Finally, I will re-hire Andy Coulson (unless you can think of anyone better). We spent years trying to rid ourselves of the image of the nasty party. Now we are right back in the stinking shit with Theresa May calling for the scrapping of human rights!
Basically, we need a lying, immoral bastard to help us sell a false image of niceness to the public. There cannot be anyone more qualified than Couslon for that, surely? (Well, maybe James Murdoch when he is inevitably fired)?