Hypocrisy is a horrible thing. It is anathema to the very concept of liberalism. However, after much soul searching post the Liberal Democrat party conference, I have to admit I am guilty of such a repugnant thing.
It is well known that my wife is a Catholic and our wonderful children are raised as such, despite my atheism. I endeavour to respect the beliefs of my family at all times, but lately things have been difficult for me.
With the stress of accusations from party loyalists, the peer pressure from Coalition partners and having to boil my own eggs at breakfast, I’ve been seeking escapism. For the past week I’ve been secretly watching Monty Python’s Life Of Brian in my downtime, laughing hysterically at the crucifixion scene. The temporary relief of joy is abruptly cut short by debilitating pangs of guilt; what would my lovely wife think if she caught me? It got so bad I found myself asking Chris Huhne for advice.
Having now ceased to violate the trust of my household, I believe it is time I do the same for the British public. That is why I am proposing brave new legislation bringing the country closer to sexual equality.
Whilst the senior Coalition partners propose potential quotas on raising the number of woman in boardrooms, I believe there are finer details in the sexism debate being overlooked; names.
As of today, I am taking unprecedented action and calling for the illegalisation of the surname Burncock! This wretched name not only conjures up vile images in the purest minds, it also undermines respect for men. In an age where we aspire to sexual equality, this name must go. After all, would it be right to have people called Mr or Mrs Stabpussy? I rest my case.
Passing this legislation will not be easy. Not with stupid bitches like Theresa May around, who looks as if she has burned a few cocks in her time. We will need your unconditional support and I urge you to take to the streets with “Burn Burncock Burn” banners.
At a time when all Ed Milibland and Ed Balls can talk about is the importance of economic growth, you can count on the Liberal Democrats to deal with what really matters.
